Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
