Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
