so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
