Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
