Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
