The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
