Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
