the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
