Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
