Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
