So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
