new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
