My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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