I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
what day is it and did you see me today?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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