The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
