I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Are my feet made of real feet?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
