I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
