Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
