how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
