3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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