Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
