I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I want a musical about memes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
