dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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