Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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