A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
