my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
