I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
