Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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