After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
