i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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