My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
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Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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