dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
