You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
