Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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