Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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