I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
