PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
