she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
