I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
