Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
