my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
