I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize