I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
