genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize