he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
