There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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