Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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