You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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