based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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