I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
