no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
