i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
