some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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