I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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