I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
