The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
