I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
